Alright here goes,
Here's where I get to the point and write for me. I've been having a hard time THINKING for just me. I have this constant worry that I need everyones opinion on everything to make sure it's okay. But that's my problem. I feel like I can't make up my own mind, because of my obsession to make sure what everyone thinks.
So here's where I tell you exactly how
I feel and you understand.
I'm horribly depressed.
Like the worst I've ever been in my life.
I have not had a morning here that I didn't wake up crying or regretting my decision to come here.
You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to be happy 100% of the time while you are working when it's the happiest place on the earth.
I have not had a day here that I didn't feel sick. I've had bronchitis, the flu, a horrible back (for 3 weeks now) and a ear infection and starting yesterday my bowels are really screwed up.
On my days off I feel alright, I can relax and do what I want to do but the moment I have to leave and go to my job I hate it. It's the same feeling I had from MUN and Canadian Tire. I just couldn't go. I just knew it was wrong and everything about it made me depressed.
I'm on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. I could feel great one time and then horrible the next. The only problem is that about 85% of the time I feel horrible. When I mean horrible I mean like, can't get out of bed, can't move, can't do anything but mope and cry. I've never really been this way before. I've had batches before but nothing this constant.
I don't fit in here.
The people are not like me like I had expected.
I know I'm special and I just think I shine better in Newfoundland. I want to be myself here and I can't. The people are so much "younger" in mind then I am and I can't force myself to go backwards. I don't want to come home a different person. I like who I am and I can't change that to make this experience better for me.
Because to make this better for me I have to cave into binge drinking and gossiping. I said the words "relatively consistent" yesterday and I was looked at like I had ten heads. I like the person I am in Newfoundland. I know it's who I am.
I am trying so hard to just ignore and focus on how I feel.
I don't want to "quit"
I don't feel like I am "quitting"
I look at my picture wall here and immediately cry. I miss everything I am and everything I have back in Newfoundland.
When I have my days off and I go out I feel awesome. I have a blast and it's a reminder of how much I love Florida. There is so much to do! It's great, but in the end it's a place I want to vacation. I love being here and I'm so sad that I can't show everyone how important this place is to me. Working for Disney was a desire to me because of how much I loved the man Walt Disney. He's story is so wonderful and I know how hard of a time he had creating what exists today and that he just kept going. He had faith in himself that THIS was IT! He just had to keep pushing to show people that he could succeed. Because he believed 100% that what he had created was going to be legendary. Even if everyone told him it would not be.
He followed his dreams and everything came true.
For the longest time I believed this was my dream. To somehow put MY positive attitude and my life dreams into Walt's footsteps. But as I try, I realize that this isn't it for me. As amazing as this experience is and as lucky as I am to have this opportunity I know it's not it. I know that I'm meant to do biggerw and better things. Who knows! They still may be here in Florida, even in Disney World but not in this position.
I know myself that I need to feel like
I have a role. The first couple of days here that's all they tell you. They remind you how IMPORTANT you are to this company. How you have the ability to create magic. Which I don't disagree with. I've made magic here, I've seen magic and I've felt it. But in a company that has over 18 thousand employees it's hard to feel like YOU are important.
I also am aware that there is always going to be negatives in a job. I know that I will always have people I dislike working with me. I know that I will be away from my hometown and my family. I understand all of this. The problem is that I
feel and
know in my heart that this is wrong.
I feel like I am wasting my time here.
I am more excited about living my life and my future with Aaron. We are leaving Newfoundland in September together. We're getting a place, I'm getting a job, starting school perhaps again, he's doing his masters and we've got all these life plans. I know that this is right. Because I've never been so sure in my life that this is meant to happen.
I've also never been more sure that I am going to be with Aaron for the rest of my life until I came here. He's been through so much with me, so many changes, so many emotional situations and ups and downs in our relationship. We've never broken up, we've never not finalized an argument and he has done EVERYTHING to improve any problems I've had. when I mean everything I really mean everything.
I've never found someone so dedicated in my life.
He's having such a hard time too and I can feel it. He's done nothing but support me 100% in my decisions. I know he wishes everyday that I was with him but has always said that he wants me to do what is best for me. He's really depressed as well and has no motivation since I've been gone.
We're inseparable. The distance has helped us so much but it has also shown me that I don't need to do this.
I've always had the desire to be irresponsible. To have the drunken nights, do the stupid things and regret them. I only felt that way because I've never been that way. I was worried that because I found who I want to be with for the rest of my life so early that I missed out on a huge chunk of my life. The part of your life where you date many people, make mistakes and just learn from them. But coming here I know that I don't need that, that I don't want that and I'm glad I didn't live that part of my life. I've just gone a different pathway then most people.
I've learned so much from this experience, I really have. I know I am going to come back a stronger and happier person. I'm going to pay attention to the little things and appreciate the things I never did before.
I am so lucky to have the support I have back home (all of you) and that all the work I have put into helping people my whole life as been paid off since I've left. Having the support I do back home from everyone has just be amazing.
Walt Disney World has not changed for me. It's still my favorite place, I still hold it dear to my heart. But like I said, it's only the happiest place on earth when you're here, not working here.
So the bottom line is, I've decided FOR ME that this is what I am doing. I am coming home, I'm going to try for an assistant manager position with another company that's dear to me. EB. I am going to go back to being Tracey. I'm going to drive back and forth on the Harbour Arterial and be so happy that I'm doing it. I think about that drive almost every day here.
I'm going to be with my family on Christmas
I'm going to be there for Aaron's family on Boxing Day and Christmas.
I'm going to be the best sister I can be to both Lucas and Emily.
I'm going to help my mother out with anything and everything she needs.
I'm going to learn to not argue with my father so much
I'm going to remember how important I am to myself.
I'm going to spend my four year anniversary with Aaron the same way I've always done it.
I'm going to enjoy each day for what it is not what I want it to be.
I'm going to be thankful for everyone and everything I've ever had the opportunity to be part of be it a experience or a life.
I'm going to be the best girlfriend I can be
and on top of all of this I am going to be
ME
Thank you for reading this if you did, it's extremely important to me.
Mark Butt and i had a conversation and he sent me this and to be honest, this is completely how I feel about being here. Please watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIntrayvOlc
