My bed before: 
AFTER!
AFTER!
That's right, I have FOUR mattresses.My bed is honestly..like four feet high.
I have to jump to get ontop of it.
Brand New Blog!
11 years ago
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
My new bed.
That's right, I have FOUR mattresses.My bed is honestly..like four feet high.
I have to jump to get ontop of it.
sooo cold
It's funny that I totally picked the theming for my blog really well.
That I left a little pond filled with people just like me to come to a big pond where I'm just a little fish.
Nice.
So, I am doing alright now that I know I'm 100% leaving. I still have a whole lot of anxiety when I wake up. Be it in the morning or after a nap. I have my flight information.
Date Flt Depart Seat Arrive Stops
----------- --- ----------------------- ---- ----------------------- -----
Thu 27Nov08 969 ORLANDO 7:00am TORONTO 9:42am 0
* Connect * 398 TORONTO 5:00pm ST. JOHN'S 10:41pm 1
Holy layover right?
The cool thing is though that Kristen and Anthony are going to come visit me for lunch during the break I have. Maybe I can even go downtown or something!
IT IS 3 DEGREES OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW HOLY COW
Picture time!
That I left a little pond filled with people just like me to come to a big pond where I'm just a little fish.
Nice.
So, I am doing alright now that I know I'm 100% leaving. I still have a whole lot of anxiety when I wake up. Be it in the morning or after a nap. I have my flight information.
Date Flt Depart Seat Arrive Stops
----------- --- ----------------------- ---- ----------------------- -----
Thu 27Nov08 969 ORLANDO 7:00am TORONTO 9:42am 0
* Connect * 398 TORONTO 5:00pm ST. JOHN'S 10:41pm 1
Holy layover right?
The cool thing is though that Kristen and Anthony are going to come visit me for lunch during the break I have. Maybe I can even go downtown or something!
IT IS 3 DEGREES OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW HOLY COW
Picture time!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
My Magic Kingdom and Prince Charming are waiting for me back home
Alright here goes,
Here's where I get to the point and write for me. I've been having a hard time THINKING for just me. I have this constant worry that I need everyones opinion on everything to make sure it's okay. But that's my problem. I feel like I can't make up my own mind, because of my obsession to make sure what everyone thinks.
So here's where I tell you exactly how I feel and you understand.
I'm horribly depressed.
Like the worst I've ever been in my life.
I have not had a morning here that I didn't wake up crying or regretting my decision to come here.
You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to be happy 100% of the time while you are working when it's the happiest place on the earth.
I have not had a day here that I didn't feel sick. I've had bronchitis, the flu, a horrible back (for 3 weeks now) and a ear infection and starting yesterday my bowels are really screwed up.
On my days off I feel alright, I can relax and do what I want to do but the moment I have to leave and go to my job I hate it. It's the same feeling I had from MUN and Canadian Tire. I just couldn't go. I just knew it was wrong and everything about it made me depressed.
I'm on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. I could feel great one time and then horrible the next. The only problem is that about 85% of the time I feel horrible. When I mean horrible I mean like, can't get out of bed, can't move, can't do anything but mope and cry. I've never really been this way before. I've had batches before but nothing this constant.
I don't fit in here.
The people are not like me like I had expected.
I know I'm special and I just think I shine better in Newfoundland. I want to be myself here and I can't. The people are so much "younger" in mind then I am and I can't force myself to go backwards. I don't want to come home a different person. I like who I am and I can't change that to make this experience better for me.
Because to make this better for me I have to cave into binge drinking and gossiping. I said the words "relatively consistent" yesterday and I was looked at like I had ten heads. I like the person I am in Newfoundland. I know it's who I am.
I am trying so hard to just ignore and focus on how I feel.
I don't want to "quit"
I don't feel like I am "quitting"
I look at my picture wall here and immediately cry. I miss everything I am and everything I have back in Newfoundland.
When I have my days off and I go out I feel awesome. I have a blast and it's a reminder of how much I love Florida. There is so much to do! It's great, but in the end it's a place I want to vacation. I love being here and I'm so sad that I can't show everyone how important this place is to me. Working for Disney was a desire to me because of how much I loved the man Walt Disney. He's story is so wonderful and I know how hard of a time he had creating what exists today and that he just kept going. He had faith in himself that THIS was IT! He just had to keep pushing to show people that he could succeed. Because he believed 100% that what he had created was going to be legendary. Even if everyone told him it would not be.
He followed his dreams and everything came true.
For the longest time I believed this was my dream. To somehow put MY positive attitude and my life dreams into Walt's footsteps. But as I try, I realize that this isn't it for me. As amazing as this experience is and as lucky as I am to have this opportunity I know it's not it. I know that I'm meant to do biggerw and better things. Who knows! They still may be here in Florida, even in Disney World but not in this position.
I know myself that I need to feel like I have a role. The first couple of days here that's all they tell you. They remind you how IMPORTANT you are to this company. How you have the ability to create magic. Which I don't disagree with. I've made magic here, I've seen magic and I've felt it. But in a company that has over 18 thousand employees it's hard to feel like YOU are important.
I also am aware that there is always going to be negatives in a job. I know that I will always have people I dislike working with me. I know that I will be away from my hometown and my family. I understand all of this. The problem is that I feel and know in my heart that this is wrong.
I feel like I am wasting my time here.
I am more excited about living my life and my future with Aaron. We are leaving Newfoundland in September together. We're getting a place, I'm getting a job, starting school perhaps again, he's doing his masters and we've got all these life plans. I know that this is right. Because I've never been so sure in my life that this is meant to happen.
I've also never been more sure that I am going to be with Aaron for the rest of my life until I came here. He's been through so much with me, so many changes, so many emotional situations and ups and downs in our relationship. We've never broken up, we've never not finalized an argument and he has done EVERYTHING to improve any problems I've had. when I mean everything I really mean everything.
I've never found someone so dedicated in my life.
He's having such a hard time too and I can feel it. He's done nothing but support me 100% in my decisions. I know he wishes everyday that I was with him but has always said that he wants me to do what is best for me. He's really depressed as well and has no motivation since I've been gone.
We're inseparable. The distance has helped us so much but it has also shown me that I don't need to do this.
I've always had the desire to be irresponsible. To have the drunken nights, do the stupid things and regret them. I only felt that way because I've never been that way. I was worried that because I found who I want to be with for the rest of my life so early that I missed out on a huge chunk of my life. The part of your life where you date many people, make mistakes and just learn from them. But coming here I know that I don't need that, that I don't want that and I'm glad I didn't live that part of my life. I've just gone a different pathway then most people.
I've learned so much from this experience, I really have. I know I am going to come back a stronger and happier person. I'm going to pay attention to the little things and appreciate the things I never did before.
I am so lucky to have the support I have back home (all of you) and that all the work I have put into helping people my whole life as been paid off since I've left. Having the support I do back home from everyone has just be amazing.
Walt Disney World has not changed for me. It's still my favorite place, I still hold it dear to my heart. But like I said, it's only the happiest place on earth when you're here, not working here.
So the bottom line is, I've decided FOR ME that this is what I am doing. I am coming home, I'm going to try for an assistant manager position with another company that's dear to me. EB. I am going to go back to being Tracey. I'm going to drive back and forth on the Harbour Arterial and be so happy that I'm doing it. I think about that drive almost every day here.
I'm going to be with my family on Christmas
I'm going to be there for Aaron's family on Boxing Day and Christmas.
I'm going to be the best sister I can be to both Lucas and Emily.
I'm going to help my mother out with anything and everything she needs.
I'm going to learn to not argue with my father so much
I'm going to remember how important I am to myself.
I'm going to spend my four year anniversary with Aaron the same way I've always done it.
I'm going to enjoy each day for what it is not what I want it to be.
I'm going to be thankful for everyone and everything I've ever had the opportunity to be part of be it a experience or a life.
I'm going to be the best girlfriend I can be
and on top of all of this I am going to be ME
Thank you for reading this if you did, it's extremely important to me.
Mark Butt and i had a conversation and he sent me this and to be honest, this is completely how I feel about being here. Please watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIntrayvOlc
Here's where I get to the point and write for me. I've been having a hard time THINKING for just me. I have this constant worry that I need everyones opinion on everything to make sure it's okay. But that's my problem. I feel like I can't make up my own mind, because of my obsession to make sure what everyone thinks.
So here's where I tell you exactly how I feel and you understand.
I'm horribly depressed.
Like the worst I've ever been in my life.
I have not had a morning here that I didn't wake up crying or regretting my decision to come here.
You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to be happy 100% of the time while you are working when it's the happiest place on the earth.
I have not had a day here that I didn't feel sick. I've had bronchitis, the flu, a horrible back (for 3 weeks now) and a ear infection and starting yesterday my bowels are really screwed up.
On my days off I feel alright, I can relax and do what I want to do but the moment I have to leave and go to my job I hate it. It's the same feeling I had from MUN and Canadian Tire. I just couldn't go. I just knew it was wrong and everything about it made me depressed.
I'm on the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life. I could feel great one time and then horrible the next. The only problem is that about 85% of the time I feel horrible. When I mean horrible I mean like, can't get out of bed, can't move, can't do anything but mope and cry. I've never really been this way before. I've had batches before but nothing this constant.
I don't fit in here.
The people are not like me like I had expected.
I know I'm special and I just think I shine better in Newfoundland. I want to be myself here and I can't. The people are so much "younger" in mind then I am and I can't force myself to go backwards. I don't want to come home a different person. I like who I am and I can't change that to make this experience better for me.
Because to make this better for me I have to cave into binge drinking and gossiping. I said the words "relatively consistent" yesterday and I was looked at like I had ten heads. I like the person I am in Newfoundland. I know it's who I am.
I am trying so hard to just ignore and focus on how I feel.
I don't want to "quit"
I don't feel like I am "quitting"
I look at my picture wall here and immediately cry. I miss everything I am and everything I have back in Newfoundland.
When I have my days off and I go out I feel awesome. I have a blast and it's a reminder of how much I love Florida. There is so much to do! It's great, but in the end it's a place I want to vacation. I love being here and I'm so sad that I can't show everyone how important this place is to me. Working for Disney was a desire to me because of how much I loved the man Walt Disney. He's story is so wonderful and I know how hard of a time he had creating what exists today and that he just kept going. He had faith in himself that THIS was IT! He just had to keep pushing to show people that he could succeed. Because he believed 100% that what he had created was going to be legendary. Even if everyone told him it would not be.
He followed his dreams and everything came true.
For the longest time I believed this was my dream. To somehow put MY positive attitude and my life dreams into Walt's footsteps. But as I try, I realize that this isn't it for me. As amazing as this experience is and as lucky as I am to have this opportunity I know it's not it. I know that I'm meant to do biggerw and better things. Who knows! They still may be here in Florida, even in Disney World but not in this position.
I know myself that I need to feel like I have a role. The first couple of days here that's all they tell you. They remind you how IMPORTANT you are to this company. How you have the ability to create magic. Which I don't disagree with. I've made magic here, I've seen magic and I've felt it. But in a company that has over 18 thousand employees it's hard to feel like YOU are important.
I also am aware that there is always going to be negatives in a job. I know that I will always have people I dislike working with me. I know that I will be away from my hometown and my family. I understand all of this. The problem is that I feel and know in my heart that this is wrong.
I feel like I am wasting my time here.
I am more excited about living my life and my future with Aaron. We are leaving Newfoundland in September together. We're getting a place, I'm getting a job, starting school perhaps again, he's doing his masters and we've got all these life plans. I know that this is right. Because I've never been so sure in my life that this is meant to happen.
I've also never been more sure that I am going to be with Aaron for the rest of my life until I came here. He's been through so much with me, so many changes, so many emotional situations and ups and downs in our relationship. We've never broken up, we've never not finalized an argument and he has done EVERYTHING to improve any problems I've had. when I mean everything I really mean everything.
I've never found someone so dedicated in my life.
He's having such a hard time too and I can feel it. He's done nothing but support me 100% in my decisions. I know he wishes everyday that I was with him but has always said that he wants me to do what is best for me. He's really depressed as well and has no motivation since I've been gone.
We're inseparable. The distance has helped us so much but it has also shown me that I don't need to do this.
I've always had the desire to be irresponsible. To have the drunken nights, do the stupid things and regret them. I only felt that way because I've never been that way. I was worried that because I found who I want to be with for the rest of my life so early that I missed out on a huge chunk of my life. The part of your life where you date many people, make mistakes and just learn from them. But coming here I know that I don't need that, that I don't want that and I'm glad I didn't live that part of my life. I've just gone a different pathway then most people.
I've learned so much from this experience, I really have. I know I am going to come back a stronger and happier person. I'm going to pay attention to the little things and appreciate the things I never did before.
I am so lucky to have the support I have back home (all of you) and that all the work I have put into helping people my whole life as been paid off since I've left. Having the support I do back home from everyone has just be amazing.
Walt Disney World has not changed for me. It's still my favorite place, I still hold it dear to my heart. But like I said, it's only the happiest place on earth when you're here, not working here.
So the bottom line is, I've decided FOR ME that this is what I am doing. I am coming home, I'm going to try for an assistant manager position with another company that's dear to me. EB. I am going to go back to being Tracey. I'm going to drive back and forth on the Harbour Arterial and be so happy that I'm doing it. I think about that drive almost every day here.
I'm going to be with my family on Christmas
I'm going to be there for Aaron's family on Boxing Day and Christmas.
I'm going to be the best sister I can be to both Lucas and Emily.
I'm going to help my mother out with anything and everything she needs.
I'm going to learn to not argue with my father so much
I'm going to remember how important I am to myself.
I'm going to spend my four year anniversary with Aaron the same way I've always done it.
I'm going to enjoy each day for what it is not what I want it to be.
I'm going to be thankful for everyone and everything I've ever had the opportunity to be part of be it a experience or a life.
I'm going to be the best girlfriend I can be
and on top of all of this I am going to be ME
Thank you for reading this if you did, it's extremely important to me.
Mark Butt and i had a conversation and he sent me this and to be honest, this is completely how I feel about being here. Please watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIntrayvOlc
Monday, October 20, 2008
Guest Moments
So here's are two of my favourite moments so far with a guest.
Number one:
I am walking outside with a guest bringing them to the nearest smoking area when we are leaving the pavilion we're walking over this little bridge and she turns to me and says...
WOMAN: "Do you live under here?"
ME: "This bridge? uhhh I don't but there could be some trolls"
WOMAN: "hahah no I mean...under here"
ME:"I'm sorry?"
WOMAN:"like...under the park"
ME: "umm no, we're actually housed uhh outside but still on Disney property in really nice condos"
WOMAN: "So, not underground"
Me: "NO."
-END CONVERSATION-
I couldn't believe someone actually asked that!
YUP WE COME OUT OF THE SEWERS TO GET TO WORK!!
Conversation number TWO! This one happened yesterday. So I end up meeting a a Newfoundlander!
Man: "YES BY! YER FROM NEWFOUNDLAND!"
Me: "I am! Are you folks from Newfoundland as well?"
Man: "SURE ARE! WITLESS BAY!"
Me: "That's awesome! You guys are the first people I've met from Newfoundland!"
Man: "Yes By! Beers some cheap here"
The first thing he says is "beers some cheap here" not...."hows the job", "how'd you get here" or "do you miss home?"
I laughed so much after he left.
We talked a whole bunch more afterwards but that was the first thing he said to me. It was priceless.
On top of that so far I have been asked:
"Can you speak canadian?"
"Do you drive on the other side of the road in Canada?"
"What is your currency in Canada?"
"Does everyone in Canada have a tv in there house?" (why would you ask that?)
"What does Canadian Beer taste like?" (UHHH BEER)
Number one:
I am walking outside with a guest bringing them to the nearest smoking area when we are leaving the pavilion we're walking over this little bridge and she turns to me and says...
WOMAN: "Do you live under here?"
ME: "This bridge? uhhh I don't but there could be some trolls"
WOMAN: "hahah no I mean...under here"
ME:"I'm sorry?"
WOMAN:"like...under the park"
ME: "umm no, we're actually housed uhh outside but still on Disney property in really nice condos"
WOMAN: "So, not underground"
Me: "NO."
-END CONVERSATION-
I couldn't believe someone actually asked that!
YUP WE COME OUT OF THE SEWERS TO GET TO WORK!!
Conversation number TWO! This one happened yesterday. So I end up meeting a a Newfoundlander!
Man: "YES BY! YER FROM NEWFOUNDLAND!"
Me: "I am! Are you folks from Newfoundland as well?"
Man: "SURE ARE! WITLESS BAY!"
Me: "That's awesome! You guys are the first people I've met from Newfoundland!"
Man: "Yes By! Beers some cheap here"
The first thing he says is "beers some cheap here" not...."hows the job", "how'd you get here" or "do you miss home?"
I laughed so much after he left.
We talked a whole bunch more afterwards but that was the first thing he said to me. It was priceless.
On top of that so far I have been asked:
"Can you speak canadian?"
"Do you drive on the other side of the road in Canada?"
"What is your currency in Canada?"
"Does everyone in Canada have a tv in there house?" (why would you ask that?)
"What does Canadian Beer taste like?" (UHHH BEER)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I know, I'm bad at writing in this stupid thing
I swam with sharks yesterday.
That statement sounds SO COOL.
But the real story is that I swam with sharks, had a panic attack, choked on salt water and then swam so fast that I couldn't really focus on the sharks and fish that were swimming below me. I didn't need a life guard or anything, I totally played it cool. The funny part was that in the end I was more scared AFTER it had happened then before. I don't think i'll do it again because before I did it I was not really aware of what it would be like.
Either way!
I SWAM WITH SHARKS!
I totally body surfed on 6ft waves as well (which was really cool but in the end I kept loosing my bathing suit)
It was awesome because me and Ashley bought a underwater camera. We're really looking forward to the pictures. We may even go back next Monday!
I'm still pretty sure that I will be going home on the 27th of November.
I have great moments like this where I say "Why would I leave this place?!"
But the only time I have moments like that is when I feel like I'm on vacation.
When I am here at home or at work or out anywhere I feel like I shouldn't be here.
All vacations have to end. Mine just exists 2 days a week.
I can't deal with only being happy when I have plans on one of those two days.
I'm TOTALLY TRYING I PROMISE.
Things have gotten so much better since I thought about going home.
I've just had some back luck. The moment I got over my bronchitis, I got a bad back. My back has been so bad for 2 weeks. Now that my back is starting to get better, I have a really bad pain in my ear.
I know I will eventually come back here again.
I'm enjoying my time so much now that I know I may be going home.
Either way...this is just a little update.
I'll post a few pictures (not from shark day)
and write later.
love you all!
That statement sounds SO COOL.
But the real story is that I swam with sharks, had a panic attack, choked on salt water and then swam so fast that I couldn't really focus on the sharks and fish that were swimming below me. I didn't need a life guard or anything, I totally played it cool. The funny part was that in the end I was more scared AFTER it had happened then before. I don't think i'll do it again because before I did it I was not really aware of what it would be like.
Either way!
I SWAM WITH SHARKS!
I totally body surfed on 6ft waves as well (which was really cool but in the end I kept loosing my bathing suit)
It was awesome because me and Ashley bought a underwater camera. We're really looking forward to the pictures. We may even go back next Monday!
I'm still pretty sure that I will be going home on the 27th of November.
I have great moments like this where I say "Why would I leave this place?!"
But the only time I have moments like that is when I feel like I'm on vacation.
When I am here at home or at work or out anywhere I feel like I shouldn't be here.
All vacations have to end. Mine just exists 2 days a week.
I can't deal with only being happy when I have plans on one of those two days.
I'm TOTALLY TRYING I PROMISE.
Things have gotten so much better since I thought about going home.
I've just had some back luck. The moment I got over my bronchitis, I got a bad back. My back has been so bad for 2 weeks. Now that my back is starting to get better, I have a really bad pain in my ear.
I know I will eventually come back here again.
I'm enjoying my time so much now that I know I may be going home.
Either way...this is just a little update.
I'll post a few pictures (not from shark day)
and write later.
love you all!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I can't give up
hahah mom told me today that my blogs sound suicidal.
so apparently if someone jumps off the Epcot ball you know it was me right?
I am going to try to keep this as positive as I can.
Especially since my mom thinks I sound like I'm manic depressive.
WATCH OUT!! THAT GIRL!! ON TOP OF CINDERELLAS CASTLE!! SHE'S GOING TO JUMP!!
MOM!! IT'S TINKER BELL!
uuuugggg.....
Yeah, I'm doing better.
I had so many moments today that reminded me of why I wanted to be here.
I bonded so well with Hiroko we talked about Japanese Culture until...well now.
So for around 3 hours.
I told her all about mummering and she is like scared to death of it.
It makes me laugh so much.
She's taught me how to write my name in both alphabets and told me all about the great festivals that go on in Japan. She comes from a "very small community" of 599,000 PEOPLE!! More then Newfoundland in total. I love that.
She loves me teaching her English and has given me this book all about the things that go on in Japan. It's written in both Japanese and English so when she cannot really explain the whole idea in English...she shows it to me in the book, I read it and explain it to her in a simple way. She loves it and I love doing it.
She really keeps saying "please come to Japan with your boyfriend! You will love it!"
She's so sweet and I'm very sad that she is leaving in two weeks.
Sigh.
BUT NO SIGHS ALLOWED!
CHEER UP SAD SACK!
Yesterday explodingdog.com posted this picture and I was like "yup...meant to be"
It's my new background.
so apparently if someone jumps off the Epcot ball you know it was me right?
I am going to try to keep this as positive as I can.
Especially since my mom thinks I sound like I'm manic depressive.
WATCH OUT!! THAT GIRL!! ON TOP OF CINDERELLAS CASTLE!! SHE'S GOING TO JUMP!!
MOM!! IT'S TINKER BELL!
uuuugggg.....
Yeah, I'm doing better.
I had so many moments today that reminded me of why I wanted to be here.
I bonded so well with Hiroko we talked about Japanese Culture until...well now.
So for around 3 hours.
I told her all about mummering and she is like scared to death of it.
It makes me laugh so much.
She's taught me how to write my name in both alphabets and told me all about the great festivals that go on in Japan. She comes from a "very small community" of 599,000 PEOPLE!! More then Newfoundland in total. I love that.
She loves me teaching her English and has given me this book all about the things that go on in Japan. It's written in both Japanese and English so when she cannot really explain the whole idea in English...she shows it to me in the book, I read it and explain it to her in a simple way. She loves it and I love doing it.
She really keeps saying "please come to Japan with your boyfriend! You will love it!"
She's so sweet and I'm very sad that she is leaving in two weeks.
Sigh.
BUT NO SIGHS ALLOWED!
CHEER UP SAD SACK!
Yesterday explodingdog.com posted this picture and I was like "yup...meant to be"
It's my new background.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
GET THESE OUT OF ME
The heart pangs are unbearable.
I don't want to be around anyone anymore.
I just want to go home.
Every morning I wake up I wish I wasn't here.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
just help me?
Listening to this song by Jack Johnson just makes me feel like I should leave.
I'm sorry that this is turning into a blog about not my adventures but how hard of a time I am having here. I just want to go back to normal. To wake up every morning and watch cartoons while Aaron does what he has to do.
Or having Mom and Dad bug me to sit in the living room with them.
Or having friends that are just like me that want to do things that I want to do.
I really have no found anyone really that I can rely on here.
I feel like I am trying so hard.
I feel like I am here for the wrong reasons.
The magic is completely gone for me and that's the hardest thing to say.
"Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stoppin' curiosity
I wanna turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's song
I don't want this feeling to go away
Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem
I wanna turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's song
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Will it all keep spinning and spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who's to say whats impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
Please Don't go away
is this how it's supposed to be"
It's funny because, the song has nothing to do with how I am feeling. But I just feel like I'm not as curious as I think I was. I just want to hear from people back home. To know that people are still there and that they are somehow in someway thinking about me. I miss hanging out with Heather and Lar and letting our boyfriends go off and do what they want to do.
I just...
I don't want you all to worry.
I just need a taste of home. I almost cried when a guest told me they were from born in Newfoundland. I really did. I get heart flutters when the girl that's "from st john's" walks by me and I read her name tag that says "St John's, Newfoundland"
I need to not be around the huge amount of craziness, the high school drama, the drunk mondays that nobody can sleep through.
I'm fun to be around...I just cannot force myself to be excited to go to a bar with 90 people and get drunk and watch them make mistakes.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I know I'll learn to cope and I know I will find people I can relate to but right now I feel more alone then I have this whole month.
I keep falling asleep knowing that this is temporary...it's just not going as fast as I need it to.
This makes no sense I know...I just am not feeling great.
I'm sorry that this is turning into a blog about not my adventures but how hard of a time I am having here. I just want to go back to normal. To wake up every morning and watch cartoons while Aaron does what he has to do.
Or having Mom and Dad bug me to sit in the living room with them.
Or having friends that are just like me that want to do things that I want to do.
I really have no found anyone really that I can rely on here.
I feel like I am trying so hard.
I feel like I am here for the wrong reasons.
The magic is completely gone for me and that's the hardest thing to say.
"Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stoppin' curiosity
I wanna turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's song
I don't want this feeling to go away
Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem
I wanna turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's song
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Will it all keep spinning and spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who's to say whats impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
Please Don't go away
is this how it's supposed to be"
It's funny because, the song has nothing to do with how I am feeling. But I just feel like I'm not as curious as I think I was. I just want to hear from people back home. To know that people are still there and that they are somehow in someway thinking about me. I miss hanging out with Heather and Lar and letting our boyfriends go off and do what they want to do.
I just...
I don't want you all to worry.
I just need a taste of home. I almost cried when a guest told me they were from born in Newfoundland. I really did. I get heart flutters when the girl that's "from st john's" walks by me and I read her name tag that says "St John's, Newfoundland"
I need to not be around the huge amount of craziness, the high school drama, the drunk mondays that nobody can sleep through.
I'm fun to be around...I just cannot force myself to be excited to go to a bar with 90 people and get drunk and watch them make mistakes.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I know I'll learn to cope and I know I will find people I can relate to but right now I feel more alone then I have this whole month.
I keep falling asleep knowing that this is temporary...it's just not going as fast as I need it to.
This makes no sense I know...I just am not feeling great.
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